Looking the Pain Bitch in the Eye

in Health  •  September 9, 2016

In all my time of living with pain, I’ve been rather lucky. I’ve not had the struggle of finding a decent doctor, nor have I been denied pain meds when in need. Many of those with chronic pain diseases have been denied medications and emergency care given with attitude. I have been very lucky. I’ve seen a few doctors that didn’t do a damned thing for the reason I was there, or who tried to push anti depression meds as pain meds, but my core team has been amazing.
Another issue I’ve not had to deal with much is the negative impact people can have on someone like myself when they say “But you look fine.” when I’m actually screaming inside. That is until this morning. A rather snide and ignorant comment “You can’t be in that much pain if you still attend OSU football games.” My initial response was to pull up my top and pull my yoga pants down to show the battle scars to the ignorant person. But I didn’t. For those curious I have 22 scars from laps and interstim trial.
But instead I felt pity for her. I felt pity for a female looking at another female and seeing some screwed up competition going on in her head. I saw a pathetic undertone to her words. I mean, cut down someone who is not well and try to make them feel worse? I feel sorry for you, truly I do. Did you anger me? Not in the least. Did you upset me,no. You made me feel sorry for you and your ignorant rant.
Listen, do I attend OSU football games still? Yes I do. So I asked her. “Do you consider a complete hysterectomy a painful event for days or weeks after? Do you consider having an ovary removed painful days or weeks after? Would you challenge if that person was in major pain following a huge and traumatic surgery?” When she replied “Well yes of course I would!” So I simply replied “I had a hysterectomy and attended OSU football game, in pain, yes but I still went.” She smirked and I continued “I had a kidney stone, I still attended the games. I had my ovary removed and three-week later attended a game in Dallas. I had gallbladder surgery on a Tuesday and attended the game on Saturday. Those were very painful times, I had to take pain killers to get through and use a heating pad in the truck on the way, but I went. I’ve gone to every game possible, missing only three in the last four years. I pack a bag full of medications, creams, gels, heating pad, numbing patches, yoga pants to slip on if my jeans start to irritate my IC or Endo. I pack a weekend bag, for a simple tailgate and game. I have had to leave games early, something I HATE doing but I simply could not take sitting there any longer. I get up 10 or more times during the games to walk because sitting is too painful. So I go, and I stay as long as possible. I change positions many times, I stand and watch when sitting is painful and I excuse myself to the restroom when it gets so bad I have no control over the tears. Then I wash my face, look in the mirror and tell myself to get my ass back out there and support those guys, my guys on my team. Everyone there knows the pain as it is hard to hide it from my face. So tell me again how I can’t be in that much pain because I go to games. Sweetheart I’ve gone through life from age 2 fighting chronic pain. I pull off the “I’m fine.” face and smile when I’m dying inside, very well. I don’t complain when I have a simple headache. I save my complaining for the moments when I’m in the ER and being given the strongest doses of pain medications possible and still feel pain ripping through my pelvis.”
She then fell silent as I figure she had finally ran out of ignorant things to say. Listen up those fighting chronic pain. The non pain people simply do not get it. They have zero clue what you are going through or how you feel. It shows in their intolerance for your inability to do something they want right then because you are screaming inside in pain. Me? I get it, I live it, I own it. I’m in pain every day, I have been for so long that to me it’s normal. I’m stronger than the non pain people, I’m kinder, less judgmental and I’m one hell of an actress if I can convince people that everything is okay.
Embrace your pain bitch, don’t allow it to embrace you. Look that bitch in the eye and say “Not today pain bitch, not today. I have things I want to accomplish.” Sure you will still have pain, but you are a bad ass. You are powerful and strong compared to the non pain people who whine about tiny pain that will subside, there is an end to their pain. You get up every day and look your pain bitch in the eye and still get your shit done. So go forth my fellow chronic pain people and show the pain bitch whose boss. Ignore the ignorant people who are so shallow that adding to your stress and pain is their ultimate goal.
By the way, there is a OSU game tomorrow, and though I’m in a horrible flare of IC pain following my first bladder treatment, I’m going. I have my huge bag of medically needed goodies and I’m ready to look the pain bitch in the face and said “Fuck you, I’m going if it kills me.”
Sincerely in pain,
Faulted and Flawed.