Things for me have been very different for a year now. I have struggled each day with things that were buried in the past. Everyone by now knows I survived childhood sexual abuse and a brutal rape later in life.
What happened to set all this off? What took place that opened those closely guarded walls/gates in my mind built up to protect me? A procedure/surgery last year that I was kept awake for. I was medicated but I was feeling the pain of the surgery and something was happening to me that I didn’t want. I was battling in my mind as the surgeon continued, even though the nurses told him “She is feeling this, she is in major pain.” he continued his task. I was covered in sweat, trying to breath through the worst pain I’d ever felt, they dosed me with multiple pain meds including dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl, nothing was helping. Two nurses held my hands, I was on my stomach, arms crossed in front of me near my face.
I tried so damn hard to just hold it together while in my mind I was fighting what was happening. I was saying “NO DON”T TOUCH ME STOP!” and there with the trauma of what was happening and the medications weakening my mental ability to block things out, the dam broke. The gates opened and everything flooded my mind and spirit at once. All of a sudden the doctor was the rapist, the doctor was the molester, the doctor was doing something to me that I didn’t want happening and I was in pain. When they returned me to my room to recover all the nurses came in the room and told Thomas what a “rock star” I was and how strong and brave I had been. They made sure to let him know I had been through hell. I didn’t feel like a rock star or a brave person. I felt broken, violated and scared to death.
Trauma, I’m no stranger to it. Life has thrown a lot my way and I have stood up to it and batted it down, locked it away and moved on. Time after time. But now the gates were broken. There was and is nothing holding it all back. Images coming to mind that I had put so far away my mind seemed to forget them. Words filling my mind that have been said in the past that I just locked away because they hurt so badly.
I returned to extreme anxiety state and PTSD. I withdrew inside my mind again. I removed myself socially from pretty much everything and everyone. I attended my football games but not fully. For always in the back of my mind was, someone is going to touch me, hug me, and I’m going to react and they will know I am not okay. I forced myself to hug my friends at the tailgate. I forced myself to smile, I tried so hard to make it okay, again. But it’s not.
I can barely stand being touch by those closest to me. I can’t sleep if my son has a friend over because there is a guy in the house with my daughter. Yes it is that bad right now. So I was shoved into therapy, invasive intense therapy by someone who noticed what was happening. I kept it hidden very damn well until one day I had to see the doctor. My adrenaline has been an issue the last year, dropping after being on steroids. A sign I may have a different autoimmune disease. While seeing him for help he had to check my lower back as it was hurting more than usual and he knows my past. He will say “Okay I am going to put my hand on your lower back.” and so forth to help me not freak out. He told me this as per usual. When he placed his hand on my back I couldn’t stop the reaction. I yelled at him to get his hands off me, I took defense measures to remove his hand. That was it, my secret was out.
So off to therapy he sent me. I saw the psychiatrist first. To balance medications so I didn’t need help so much with anxiety. I am still adjusting to that medication and feel so not myself yet. I’ve avoided social network, mainly G Plus because I couldn’t be positive. I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I miss my G plus family so much, but I just didn’t have anything to say that was good. My first session with the therapist was hell. She got right to it. She also pointed out things that I had ignored. I posted on my private fb page that I would be avoiding triggers, I was trying to go off xanax and deal with these issues at the same time. I no more than posted it and drama struck. I decided to avoid the people who caused the drama until I was in a better frame of mind to deal with their issues. I was not afforded that. Instead I was pushed and pushed until finally I decided to just ignore that person indefinitely.
I am trying, I am doing my best and I am fighting. I am trying to find ME in all this. I am trying to keep my head above the water. I avoided posting on G+ about this because it’s such an open forum and after the issue with two people I trusted on G+ last year, I didn’t know how “safe” I felt posting about my issues there, yet. Now I have decided I don’t care. I feel I owe those that check in on me an explanation.
I have felt so not creative, not positive, not me. I still owe someone some cookies, the ones I made turned out so horrible no one ate them. I was sick and on meds. ha ha I owe him a bracelet too. I expected to send it with Christmas cookies but the lady I ordered the charm from sent me something totally different. UGH how hard is it to find a decent, small Deadpool charm that’s not girly. HUH? You know who you are and you know I love you to bits for understanding my life has been shit for about 14 months now. Thank you for being one that understands Mr. S.
I am going to sign off now and publish this damn thing before I decide to scrap it as I have so many in the last year. Take care, I will be around as much as I can.